As if sex wasn't confusing enough.. then add a confusing relationship..

The fact that I havent had sex with the love of my life in months doesn't help. The fact that the love of my life has lied throufh so much of our relationship doesn't help. Or that he's an addict and the future is basically a black hole with absolutely no way to know what could possibly happen next..

I am so lonely sometimes. I need him. I haven't even bee. Near him since.. Dec 3rd. 2 months. Idk when we had sex last. Probably before thanksgiving. I think the week before or after.

I don't like to masturbate. It's depressing. But you gotta so what you gotta do soemtimes. I get so scared that he's going to find someone else. I've been gone 2 months. How long cam he go without sex.. Does it matter? I mean of course it doesn't matter. But. I'm so paranoid. It's my own fsult. Falling in love with a freaking addict. I wish I hadnt. Especially nights like Wednesday night. It was so awful I can't even talk about it. But then I remember why I love him on nights like last night. When he's vulnerable. And open. Nd let's me cry with him and tells me he's scared. I know he dodnt ask to be an addict. He made bad choices. I've made bad choices. And unfortunately his grabbed a hold of him and never let go. I love him. All of him.

I don't want to post this entry. I'll write about the last few days in a normal entry when I feel like it. But right now. Idk. I am needy. I need him here. But. It's confusing when I'm turned on and if he hadn't lied so much I would have thoughts.. I halve them and then I insert him into my fsntasy.. And it suddenly just makes me upset. And I try not to be. I try to ignore it and just take out emotion and have the fantasy despite the past. But I cant.

If there were no loes.. I would have so many fantasies. And maybe fantasies that don't come true. Maybe that's the point of fantasies. But I would have them and want to share them with him and be turned on by the thought instead of scared and confused by it.

For example.. And maybe this is craxy but tonight I had the fantasy of a threesome.. us and a girl. Him having sex with her while I'm sitting on her face and making out with him. I mean. The part that was the biggest turn on was that I was making put with him. Because that's the crappy part about having sex.. I want all of it. To be having sex with him and kissing him. But it doesn't really work when you're sitting on top or on the bed and he's standing. And it's craxy but a good fantasy. And I don't think I ever would want to do that anyways even without lies. But becauae of the lies it quickly went from oh that's hot.. to being really angry to even mention it to him and have HIM think it's hot too. Because that's the point.. I would want him to think it's hot. But becauae of the lies.. if he did.. I would be so angry and jealous. And wonder who he was thinking of. And it could never work. It ruins the whole fantasy because the whole point of a fantasy is that it probably won't ever happen.. But it could. And with him.. it probably won't happen becauae I would never ever let it. Probably wouldn't let it with anyone anyways but once in a while I like to pretend I'm craxy enough to try. I'd never be able to take that risk eith him.

I miss him. I want him. I don't want to be here. Anything is possible. He can beat this. And I don't think he's been lying to me. He's been mean. Awful. But I don't think he's lied. Be said he likes