so. we have been talking for idk. off and on so I don't know exactly when BUT. There's been a slight shift. Probably undetectable to anyone but me because we are experiencing all the same issues. And we have fights. But. Its different.

Last night was bad. I had probably one of the worst meltdowns I've had in a really long time. I had to pace for over an hour. My legs are so sore. Walking is good for you. Pacing with tense muscles for an extended period of time is not. Sometimes it feels like he thinks I am having meltdowns AT him. Like its a choice. Like I'm tyring to hurt or annoy or anger him. I've never experienced meltdowns so bad or frequent until the last 3 years. not since i was a kid or teen. A few bad ones in my 20's. Anyways. Last night 70% of the problem wasn't even what was upsetting me. That's what triggered it of course. Theres always a trigger. But 70% of it was the fact that my foot was stuck under me in a weird way and I had to pee... and when you're autistic and having a metldown.. the whole concept of "to make a mountain out of a molehill" comes to mind. I don't choose to make it into a mountain. But these tiny everyday nothing tasks.. like turning or raising my arms over my head or going to the bathroom.. all become these daunting tasks and my mind cannot comprehend the proper sequence of actions needed in order to accomplish these thigns. things like going to the bathroom are as simple as.. just go. BUt its.. ok stand up. Which alone is hard because im shakey and have horrible balance durng meltdowns and my head is so swimmy. and i want to but im frozen. thats what happened the other day. just sat in one spot for like 30 minutes wanting to go pee and i couldnt. because my brain wouldnt let my body stand up.