we have broken up and gotten back together about 5328489734863735 times since we met. about 9328457 times since i left wisconsin this last time. I dont know. i'm not ashamed we're back together again. I'm not ashamed of my love for him. I love him like i've never known. We havent always known how to handle everything going on, but i think i know with certainty, that we truly love each other. i know he loves me.

so much happened the last few months. with multiple break ups = multiple white hairs. Probably just from not eating a balanced diet. I need more vitamin B. i feel like i work 10 times harder than most people, to only get half as far. i'm not even working. I'm going to school full time but i can hardly manage it. I'm doing ok but i should be doing amazing. my financial aid money has a hold because I'm not in a math class and they wont remove it until i take a placement test.

some things happened.

I've always had a fear of talking too long to someone at group. I'm so careful. I try to be. I try not to tsalk to men unless they talk to me first. and i try to keep it short. i try to include women.

usually when max breaks up with me the most i do is download some stupid dating app and browse profiles without ever interacting with anyone. i mean i have, but its been months. and even then, i think i talked to a handful of guys and 1 more than 2 days. nothing. just a time waster. and most of the time this last month, when we break up i just binge watch a stupid show while eating snacks and crying into my pillow. but it was a nice routine that ended with a decent nights sleep most of the time. bouts of insomnia here and there.

well this last time.. well let me back up... theres this guy at group.. guy.. man. he's a man. not a guy. guys are young. anyways this man from groupsort of took an interest in me i guess you could say. He was an older guy. i thought he was around 42. I'm 31 so i didnt think it was that crazy to like cnsider him and this woman he carpools with to be friends. i thought they were the youngestish ones. well somewhat. and theyre in 2 of my groups. well i thought